New Baby and Your Toddler’s Making You Crazy?

After having our second baby, our daughter’s behavior went off the rails. We got into a sad cycle, sad for me and for her. I hated the nagging and feeling like I was being hard on her, and it was SO challenging. She was downright mean to me, kicking and screaming, pushing me away even when I offered hugs

I never imagined having a problem like this.

I honestly was at the end of my rope. I thought – wow – I never imagined having a problem like this. Three years with her and such a secure relationship, all the work and time and love and tears I had invested so far. I knew adding a sibling would be an adjustment, but I had NO IDEA that it could bring out the worst behavior we had seen so far in our firstborn child.

My Turning Point – and hers, too

One day I felt like crying. I love my girl so much and I hated seeing her unhappy and acting out. I knew there must be something I was missing and I was determined as her mother to figure out what it was.

My Ah-ha moment came in 2 parts. I thought about babies and how much love and touch they receive from the adults who care for them. There is so much softness and affection. Babies light us up! As I watched her watching us I saw how much she wanted the same kind of affection. She didn’t want to be “big sister” all the time, she wanted to be a baby, too.

My firstborn always needed – and still needs – lots of touch.

Then I thought about love languages and I realized (of course!) toddlers have a preferred love language, too! If you aren’t familiar with this concept, the 5 “love languages” are: quality time, touch, gift-giving, acts of service, and words of affirmation. My firstborn always needed – and still needs – lots of touch. And here I was working hard to keep the new baby nourished and content, while carving out time to do activities with my 3 year old when really what she needed was loving touch and hands-on play. She needed more reassurance than ever that there was more than enough love to go around, and even though I told her that, she couldn’t FEEL it.

As soon as I started giving her what she really needed from me everything shifted.

I’m not saying everyday is now suddenly easy, but I feel so much relief now that I have a remedy.

An Important Love Language for all Children

The more I have observed children, the more I have noticed how touch is a primary love language for all littles. Before they can talk, babies rely on loving touch to soothe their nervous system, relax and grow. I can say for sure that every child needs to receive enough loving touch to thrive. When I am meeting my toddlers touch-quota her behaviors are so much more lovable. We create a generative cycle of love creating more love.

Here are my Four favorite activities that connect me with my toddler using touch as the primary love language: 

1. Sitting in my lap for stories or at dinner time (this really helps keep bad manners at bay).

2. Running and hugging games, where the receiving and hugging is the primary focus..

3. Dancing together to a favorite song and periodically holding your toddler. Don’t forget to make this fun for both of you.

4.Toss a cozy blanket over your toddler and then “find” them over and over. You can give them kisses or something to acknowledge them when you lift the blanket and see them. For example, “Oh a leg, I love this leg… a cheek, I love this cheek” and on and on.

Stress-Relieving Touch for Your Toddler Equals a Better Night’s Sleep

On days when there is enough touch, play and outdoor time, it doesn’t matter so much how the bedtime sequence goes, sleep comes quickly and easily. But, when these ingredients are not part of your day, I have a different recipe.

When my daughter was a baby I often did acupressure for her to help her fall asleep, and as soon as she could talk she started requesting it. It’s perfect because it helps her mind relax and provides the touch she needs to feel safe and loved.

Since the new baby arrived, I’ve added it back to our routine. It helps with overnight sleep (length and quality) and I swear our mornings go better. I notice a difference if I forget!

I use a short sequence of points with her at bedtime. These points send the message to the nervous system “ I am safe, I am loved.” The pressure is only firm for the soles of the feet, otherwise it’s just enough to gently stimulate the skin’s surface.

These points calm the mind and settle the heart. They also soothe the Kidney system, which is responsible for our fear response in Chinese medicine. The overall effect is grounding and makes way for a deeper night’s sleep.

If your bedtime routine needs an upgrade, or you need a solution to help your toddler calm down for sleep on a stressful day, I highly recommend you try these points.

The adjustment to having a sweet new baby in your home doesn’t have to make you or your toddler so crazy!